Once Upon An Alleyway: Bangkok

Over a chilled out conversation with a girlfriend today, I was reminded once again, how ‘weird timings’ played a satirical, backseat role in my life. And also, how all the stories are interrelated. I was regaling her with some of my tales from the span between 2010-2013, the most eventful part of my life so far, and realised my life had some weird sense of timing – almost like a personified backseat driver, equipped with a remote control, throwing it’s head back, laughing every now and then, with a face like the psychotic and deranged Heath Ledger playing Joker from ‘The Dark knight Rises’ but with a voice identical to Russel Peters in his signature manner saying ‘and just to have a bit of fun’ , let me add this new twist! Joker and Russel Peters, both in the same breath – I think I may have just taken the concept of paronomasia to another level!

Coming back to the timing. If my brother did not get married at the time he did, my life would have been another story altogether! Quite a statement, I agree, but let me back it up!

See my brother’s relationship leading up to his wedding – all happened in fast-forward. Early 2010, he informed me he was in a relationship with a special someone while my husband and I sure-footedly proceeded towards planning our much-awaited sabbatical. Both of us had reached a point in our life where we had been working non-stop for years and had not enjoyed a proper break or a pause to reflect, and decided a long 3-4 months time away would give us the energy for a fresh start. We were busy hatching a plan for January 2011 and like a pair of expecting parents of a firstborn, all our conversations, annoyingly for others, slowly started to revolve around it. Everyone was to put their lives on hold - cancel birthday parties, postpone weddings, delay the birth of their children – the works! All that was about to change as the Joker’s face in the backseat was beginning to crease into a smirk.

September 15^th was the last date for us to pay for all our flight bookings and on the 10^th my brother announced the unthinkable! While our plans were underway, so was his relationship, and the hatching had happened on both ends with his soon to turn into a wedding. And what month you ask – of course January 2011.

Our world came crashing down on us and my initial reaction was to pull a no-show at my brother’s wedding – how dare he fall in love so quick and to make matters worse, decide to get married quicker and now was ready to disrupt my perfect plans! It was all I could do to control the ticking bomb inside me that was ready to explode any moment. But of course, the volatile person that I am, forgot all about my resentment in the next instance – after all I may be planning our trip for months but had been planning his wedding ever since I was a child! Thus, the 3-4 month long sabbatical was cancelled and replaced exactly a year later by one that changed my life forever.

It was during the start of this, more long-term sabbatical (which is currently still in progress as a matter of fact) that I happened to encounter Thailand in the most random fashion possible. My olfactory perception can vaguely trace back the sights, sounds and particularly smell of the events that took place after dark and an extremely dazed, disoriented account of the daytime activities. I realise I have managed to paint quite a dodgy picture of our trip, especially where the reputation of Bangkok is concerned, forget reputation – the name itself is asking for trouble, but let me assure you nothing untoward had fortunately taken place. Except of course for that one time I thought my husband was dragged into a separate chamber in the massage parlour for a happy ending! But I shall get to that in a bit.

                                                      Spicy green mango salsa on Sukumvit 11!
                                                      Photo Credit: Raf Mustafa

My brother and his wife had by then just turned one together and we were in the early stages of an ongoing insanity that was to turn terminal by the end of the year. By the time my brother could add a question mark after uttering Thailand, we had mentally jumped on the bandwagon and was halfway through to Bangkok!

Sukumvit 11 welcomed us into this never-ending labyrinth of an alleyway that never ceased to surprise! Starting from the local favourites from the roadside pushcarts serving pan-fried, seasoned insects such as ants, grasshoppers and cockroaches to more universally acceptable delicacies such as the somtum, pad noodles and tom yum. A trip to Bangkok is also not worth without tasting the sinfully amazing green, unripened mango salad, which should come with a red-hot warning. And speaking of sinfully amazing things – what Bangkok trip is complete without a walk to the Khao San Road – home of the ping pong shows! The human rights bell start going off in my head as soon as I step into the red light district of Bangkok, nothing to mention the sorry, degradable state of women in Thailand but should you wish to witness it to find out? Sure, why not. But the recommendation is not coming out of my mouth.

Story of a fried bug :)

Photo Credit: Raf Mustafa

                                             Home of the Ping Pong Shows on Khao San Road.                  
                                             Photo Credit: Raf Mustafa

Moving to less serious stuff, people not wishing to contribute to empower sex trade around the world, could rather invest their time in being humoured by any cab-driver, by merely asking to see a sex show. The menu that comes out of the dashboard is a sight to behold! It is a laminated piece of art, listing prices of the various forms of notoriety on offer, but the part that piqued my interest was the nature of the names that described each performance.

I could go on and on about Sukumvit 11 and Khao San Road and the delicacies they offer both in terms of food and activities, but I shall not provide any more spoilers and let these streets unfold themselves when you visit, and unfold they will, by the time you reach the end of their spiralling alleys.

Something else, not quite as widely discussed, is the lack of English spoken, even smack-bang in the middle of the most touristic Bangkok! Contrary to what one would expect, hardly anyone speaks any English and even more worrisome – hardly anyone understood any! On our way from Pattaya (which by the way I strongly recommend for all sorts of adrenaline pumping sports at the cheapest possible price) we were horded on a bus, half-asleep and knackered, amongst other things, on our way back to Bangkok. After what seemed like hours, we were woken up by a sudden change in the noise level outside and upon looking out the window, I realised we had arrived. Just to be certain, I walked up to the bus driver to enquire if we were near the Paragon shopping mall (where we were to be reunited with my brother and his wife) to which, he stepped on the brakes, causing a jolt, which almost threw me off my feet, to start wildly pointing at a big shopping mall across the street, shouting all the time ‘get down, shopping mall! Get down!’. I could not confirm the name of the shopping mall from where we were parked but the driver’s wild enthusiasm and urgency convinced me. We grabbed our bags and got down indeed!

It took us a five-minutes walk to the shopping centre and back to realise it was a shopping mall alright, just the wrong one! But that was the least of our concerns when after consulting several people off the street, half of whom responded with a curt ‘no English!’, we arrived at the conclusion that we were not even in Bangkok yet! Thus, began an epic journey back to Bangkok, involving three modes of transportation – a motorbike, a bus and a cab.

After reading off some signs, it became apparent, that the last bus leaving from that spot was the one we took and got off and further investigation left us with no choice but to do a tripling with an agreeable gentleman willing to drop us off to the next bus stop on his motorbike! The fact that my feet were almost crushed under the weight of my husband’s (who was totally oblivious to it) is another story altogether but the risk that my seating posed at that moment, threatening to recoil my body, I was wondering, considering the speed of the vehicle, how long after I actually flew off, they would finally realise that I was airborne!

We eventually did make it back to Bangkok and were reunited with my family, after much ado, but what followed left me drained and distressed! But let me talk about the Aussie pubs first, which had become as much a tourist attraction in Bangkok, amongst other things such as the mobile bars (Sky blue, our favourite, made some of the best cocktails!), beautiful outdoor restaurants with live music and some really good clubs. To relieve some tension, we first dropped into one of these Aussie joints to rub shoulders with our fellow mates, drink a schooner and enjoy some footy on tele! Shortly after, we stepped out for a real stress-buster: a Thai massage!

After inspecting quite a few frightful massage parlours, we walked to the more decent part of town (if there is such a thing in Bangkok) to find one that quite ticked all the boxes. We did everything but explicitly state that we were there literally for a stress release, I mean, a tension reliever, I mean – oh you know what I mean – strictly no euphemism in use! Anyway, to our surprise, the women even seemed to understand and speak proper English. We had started to relax a bit at that stage and decided to request that the four of us be placed right in the vicinity of each other, preferably within eye and ear shot. During the subsequent foot massage and change of clothes, when we finally settled on our individual mattresses, separated by curtains and parallel to each other, as requested, I suddenly realised, we were a man down! I sneaked a peek on either side of me to find both my brother and his wife, but where was my husband?! To my dismay, right at that minute, we started hearing what sounded like a brawl downstairs, with a male voice protesting! My brother found that inopportune moment to crack a joke about my man being dragged downstairs for a happy ending – whether he liked it or not, which absolutely did nothing to help matters. I was ready to pass out in distress, when finally the missing person turned up to explain he was taken to the room next door because he requested an oil massage that required a different kind of bedding, as opposed to our dry ones and the masseuse herself has made it clear, that they indeed did not offer any ‘other kinds of services’!

The next morning, still laughing at our escapades from the day before, we sampled some of the best, grilled skewers of meat, spiced mussels and Thai styled omelette and then took our tastebuds to indulge into an amazing buffet, under a shed, sharing with local cab-drivers and policemen, some amazing local delicacies! And in case, I tire you with food descriptions and do not get to build a case to mention it again, I tasted one of the best chicken shwarmas of my life in Bangkok as well! Strange but true. And once we were fed until our stomachs could not contain anymore, we jumped into a cab, to leave the city behind to explore the elephant park, floating markets and most importantly, Ayutthaya.